I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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