Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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