i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I touched a dick in church today
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
