Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
