I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
