According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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