ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
