I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
