dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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