but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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