I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
