I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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