You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
