someone threw a dead crab at me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
