Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
