If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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