how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
