I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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