you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Damn victory sex feels great
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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