apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.