i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.