me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
