True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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