I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
