If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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