We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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