had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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