u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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