so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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