if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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