What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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