if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize