It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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