see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
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shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
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Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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