She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
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It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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