Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The air taste purple.
Randomize
