dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
