I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
