Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
