He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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