So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
