I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
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When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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