I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
