This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Randomize
