Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
