I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.