I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.