I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
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I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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