This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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