alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
