There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
