you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
