maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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