Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
