If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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