Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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