everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
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I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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