We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
