All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
